Critique Please...

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Critique Please...

Post by The Lorax on April 13th 2011, 6:23 pm

Nothing to serious, I just need a little bit of critique on this. I'm using it for something. Its just a sorta fun thing. AGAIN, CRITIQUE PLEASE!!!!


Hour of Twilight

Dashing through the forest,
Paws barely sinking below
His breath, like smoke is bellowing,
Teased by the wind that blows
Blazing and sharp,
Yellow eyes in the night,
Glistening teeth and talon in the moonlight.

His eyes tell stories of bleak winters past.
While his belly rumbles as he wolfs down a meal at last.
His black fur speckled by snow of the sky.
And as a cold wind blows, his body screams why?

I reach out my hand, to touch his dark fur
He leans forward slightly, and everything becomes a blur.
He pushes his damp nose in to my palm
And my racing heart begins to calm.

His legs twitch and his body starts to shudder
In my chest I feel my heart begin to flutter.
His deep yellow gaze is held for a moment
And suddenly I know of all his torment.

He throws his head back, his muzzle pointed towards the sky
And above us I can see the moon and stars fly
Then his howl surrounds us, pierces the cold black night.
His wolf spirit is free, in that hour of Twilight.
Dashing through the forest,
Paws barely sinking below
His breath like smoke is bellowing,
Teased by the wind that blows
Blazing and Sharp, yellow eyes in the night.
He is a wolf, true and free, in that hour of Twilight.
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Re: Critique Please...

Post by Snigger on April 13th 2011, 6:24 pm

*thumbs up*

But with "Twilight" being capitalized, I kept thinking of the series >->

______________
THE SNIGNATURE

[19:45:24] @ OMENKIT : IKUTO IS DEAD SEXY! In a miniskirt...
[19:50:44] @ Rook ϟ : I bet I look better than he does in a miniskirt. :I
[19:51:09] @ Rook ϟ : People compliment me whenever I wear my miniskirt to school u_u
[19:51:30] @ Rook ϟ : And when I tie my hair in a ponytail.
[19:51:56] @ Rook ϟ : And when I do the caramelldansen.
[19:52:10] @ Rook ϟ : And stuff balloons in my shirt to make it look like I got big boobs.
[19:52:13] Jaki : [Thou whose name shalt not be spoketh] does it all better XP
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Re: Critique Please...

Post by - Wolvine - on April 13th 2011, 7:46 pm

Yup. And the 'wolfs down' when its a wolf? Heh fail :3

But that's really good. Damn you Cheese. You've finally caught up to me XD

*Totally out of practise in Poem writing*

I prefer the rhyme in every other line too, sometimes even no rhyme. But meh.
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Re: Critique Please...

Post by Bee on April 13th 2011, 10:01 pm

Really good! Sometimes the metres are a bit messy, and the poem loses its flow a bit.

Using the word 'fur' twice so closely kind of bothered me. Petty little things. :V

And just a personal opinion, I think it would sound a lot cooler if you only did the 'hour of twilight' thing once, like the last one. But that's just me. It sounds relllly cool anyways.

Everything that Snig and Wolv said, too.

Yeah. :D *thumbs up*
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Re: Critique Please...

Post by The Lorax on April 13th 2011, 11:00 pm

Woops, the fur bit I didn't realize. But yeah! Thanks guys!
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Re: Critique Please...

Post by kiwiattack on April 14th 2011, 6:12 pm

I'm not a writer, like, at all. But this sounded good to me, so great job. :D
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